What are your Requirements? What are your Deal-Breakers?

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ARTICLE:

What are your Requirements?

What are your deal breakers?

"Ask for what you want, accept what you get, and work on the difference."
Author unknown

If you are already married the above quote is good advice.

Sometimes it appears you don't have a choice about what you get. Other times you can choose.

If you are still in the process of choosing your future life partner, how can you know for certain you are choosing according to your requirements and your deal-breakers?

This is crucial if you are selecting a life partner. You do need to assess if this person meets your requirements and shares similar values. This is not the same as judging them as bad, or right or wrong.

If you are still in the choosing process, hopefully you will feel challenged ― rather than threatened ― by the following questions:

What are your core values? Values do not need to be judged as right or wrong, just similar or different. It is easier to be in a relationship with those who share similar values.
What are your requirements in relationships? What are you willing to tolerate? What are your deal breakers that go so against your values that you are not willing to tolerate?
What is your mindset, (your assumptions, and beliefs, your philosophy of life, how you tend to view the world)?
What opinions do you hold dear? How do they fit with your basic mindset?
Are you able to see outside this box? Or do you like most people tend to gravitate to others and ideas that already fit your belief system?
Are you willing to examine your inner thinking processes?
Are you willing to be influenced if presented with new facts?
Are you open to seeing things differently?
If you find your values are different than another's, what do you feel and experience? When you perceive your values have been violated how do you react? Do you stay calm and discuss? Do you avoid the other person? Or do you argue with them? Can you still remain kind?

Most conflict stems from one's need to be right by making the other person wrong. If you don't want to argue, can you reframe form right versus wrong discussions and just share perceptions?

It's all a process, hopefully leading toward healing and love. Many of us yearn to be heard and understood. We don't experience others taking the time to really listen to us or us to them. The biggest roadblock to resolving conflict stems from not knowing how to truly listen without judgment and reaction. Empathy involves listening deeply not just to what another is expressing but understanding how they arrived at their viewpoint and what they are feeling as a result.

Personally, I would rather be happy and peaceful than right. I enjoy having in-depth discussions on issues, but I don't enjoy being badgered or judged by others. I suspect others don't either.

One of my favorite quotes is:

"LISTENING IS AN ACT OF LOVE."

Dave Isay

Just as listening and understanding are important, so is being assertive when appropriate. We should never tolerate being mistreated. Are you willing to take a stand if your relationship is going in a direction you don't like? Are you willing to speak up and take action if need be? Are you willing to let another know you don't share the same values? This is about being assertive.

A win-win is when we each feel we have gained something from our interaction. Staying away from win-lose situations and people will benefit your mental health and peace of mind. If you are in a relationship with someone who needs to win by making you lose or by making you wrong, you need to stand up for your self-respect. Love yourself enough not to allow or tolerate these people or situations in your life.

"If there is to be peace in the world,

There must be peace in the nations.

If there is to be peace in the nations,

There must be peace in the cities.

If there is to be peace in the cities,

There must be peace between neighbors.

If there is to be peace between neighbors,

There must be peace in the home.

If there is to be peace in the home,

There must be peace in the heart."

--Lao-Tsu

3 Tips: How to Have an Extraordinary Relationship

TESTIMONIAL

Before coaching, I had a lot of fear and anxiety that kept me from doing things I knew I should do to get ahead. I was tired of being alone and not having a relationship. When I did go out with a guy, within the first few dates anxieties and behaviors that I thought I was past resurfaced. I felt like I couldn't control myself or my emotions. I felt terribly insecure and desperate. I thought I needed to settle for whoever would be with me even though they were not my ideal mate.

Finally, I said to myself “enough is enough”. I realized that I was never going to figure this out on my own. I also recognized that this wasn't something that was a medical necessity for which my health insurance would pay. A relationship coach was just what I needed.

I loved that no matter how crazy I sounded to myself my coach seemed always to understand what I was saying and feeling and made sense of it.

Since coaching, I have gained confidence in myself and am now married to a wonderful man. This increased confidence and communication skills have also showed up in my professional life, and I have increased my income 50%.

Thank you, Dr. Marian, for all the help you have given me.

Lee S.